Lack of Self-Esteem and What it's Doing to You
indirectly affected by your measure of self worth. This shouldn’t be news to you; and if it is, we’ve *** a lot of work to do. It is such an important topic that I’m considering making it a series on the site. Every email I receive circles back to the same thing: your self-esteem.
Self-Esteem When You’re Alone
You’re bombarded by images of happily-ever-after; you look outside and see couples skipping, hand-in-hand; everyone you know, including your overweight neighbor with bad BO, is in a relationship. Your first thought is simple to detect: Why the fuck can’t someone love ME like that? Am I not worth loving? When you’re convinced that being hitched or actively dating and/or boning is the norm, your first instinct is to think that something is wrong with you.
Danger: From here, there are two paths people usually take: either they cry themselves to sleep every night and throw weekly pity parties… OR they quickly, and blindly, jump into the wrong relationship to believe they’re worth the love (even when these sort of unhealthy relationships lead to verbal, physical and emotional abuse and aren’t about love at all)
Self-Esteem in the Realm of Dating
In the realm of dating you’re either not getting dates or getting one too many. Both situations are hazardous to your self esteem. When you repeatedly put yourself out there and repeatedly get rejected, you’re likely to believe there is something wrong with you. There more you get rejected, the less you make the effort. When you’re dating too much, on the other hand, you either beat yourself up for not being able to ‘hold on’ to anything longer than a one night stand, or you beat yourself up for ‘choosing’ the wrong types. And let’s not forget those who constantly ‘settle’ to ensure the score instead of holding out for the few that count.
Danger: No matter the situation, you’re blaming your lack of success on yourself and in turn lowering your level of self-worth. You keep fucking up, right? You must be REALLY bad at this. If you see yourself as a piece of shit, you’ll either start opting for piece of shit worthy individuals, or you’ll stop dating all together.
Self-Esteem in a Relationship
Many of us have the urget o sacrifice everything in the name of Love, including our self esteem. If you’re not well prepared, it’s easy to become completely dependent on your significant other. That dependence includes everything: if you have a fight, your entire day turns to shit; if your lover is busy that day, you’d opt to stay home; if your lover doesn’t like your new outfit, you never wear it out; and if your lover calls you names and tells you you’re lucky he/she is even with you, you start to believe it. This is why it’s so important NOT to jump into a relationship when you’re not ready; relationships take a lot of you and if you don’t have the amo, you’ll be easily defeated.
Danger: The danger here is that you choose to stay in a shitty relationship because you don’t believe you deserve any better. You’ll allow abuse, pain and negligence in the name of what you perceive to be companionship. Then, one day, you will wake up with 3 kids, a bottle in your hand, and an unhealthy addiction to daytime television.
Self-Esteem in a Break-Up
It’s easy to feel like a piece of shit after a break up. Everything you’ve known for x amount of months/years has been shifted into the unknown. You begin to blame yourself for things your ex did wrong (instead of blaming your ex for fucking your roommate and stealing your money - Should have been a better shag, should have done your kegels.)
Danger: Eventually, you’re going to need your self-worth to get over this break up. And until you start believing you’re worthy of happiness, you’re fucked. The danger to never acknowledging you deserve better? A longer, shittier and less productive recovery process which will only lead you to rush into a relationship with a person that resembles your ex.
The Slap You Need:
We all struggle with feelings of self worth on a daily basis; every little thing has the ability to bruise our gentle egos. Truthfully, if you aren’t constantly battling your self-esteem, you’re walking on the line of arrogance. Having said that, just because it’s common doesn’t make it ok. The battles you should be facing are small ones like, for example, setting a goal, failing and trying again.
Being alone is often the healthier choice for most of us. You don’t have to jump into something to be happy and you definitely don’t need someone else to make you feel worth loving. YOU are the one choosing someone else and deeming THEM worthy of YOUR love.
Dating is a game of trial and error for everyone. Picking one too many ‘wrongs’ only means you’re not learning from your mistakes and that is something you can easily change. It doesn’t mean you’re doomed. And if you’re not getting enough, you might notice you’re either not putting yourself out there enough or you’re looking in all of the wrong places; both easily fucking fixed.
And being in a relationship should be a constant flow of reciprocative love. If anyone EVER makes you feel like you’re a piece of shit, turn around and walk away. (If you’re doing piece of shit things, however, walk away and then stand in front of the mirror for a few hours and figure out the reason you’re being a piece of shit.) Relationships should encourage growth and healthy development for an individual.
Know your worth. Be confident in what you have to offer and know that just because someone isn’t interested doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with your goods; it just means your two pieces to a different puzzle. Be honest with yourself when listing the qualities of your ideal mate; don’t just accept an offer because it’s on the table and ‘looks’ like it could work. Know you’re worthy of love and support and that there are many people out there willing to provide that for you and only request the same in return. And finally, just because some asshole tells you you’re crazy, worthless and a whore doesn’t mean you should head to the tattoo parlor and get it marked on your asscheek. Never let others dictate your value.